Steven Segal, the Mojo Priest

"Well she looked at me kinda surprised
Suddenly she not so cold
I told her I cant have no more sass
and from now on she can talk to my ass" (Steven Segal, "Talk to My Ass")

Steven Segal, the actor whose chameleon-like ability to give so many talented and nuanced performances in such contemporary film classics as Under Seige, Under Seige 2: Dark Territory, and the soon-to-be-released and sure to be a gem Under Seige 3: Plane Danger has also been flexing his musical muscle touring with Thunderbox and promoting their new album, Mojo Priest. I have not actually purchased the album (I fear my whole body might explode in rapture), nor am I likely to see him moodily rock out at the El Rey Theatre tonight. Instead I must remain sated with the thought that the same dull glow of lights and warm night air are wrapped around the both of us tonight in this fair city that darest to contain the luminary that is Steven Segal.

Though I can hardly build the courage up to order the album (you know, for the safety of my internal organs), the range of songs and lyrics from Mojo Priest truly show that Segal is a double threat: badass of both screen and song. Some of my favorite songs include, "Gunfire in the Juke Joint" (a touching ditty that communicates the eternal Segal conflict of being both a badass fighter and supreme lover), "Alligator Ass" (a rousing ballad that examines issues of trust, including during ordering food at a restaurant), and of course "Hoochie Coochie Man," whose lyrics, " I got a black cat bone /I got a mojo too /I got the johnny cockaroo I’m gonnna mess with you," continue to elude comprehension to me and certainly demand the same level of explication and annotation that fellow badass poet, T.S. Eliot's little ditty, "The Wasteland" deserved nearly a hundred years ago.

While many of the songs address the conflict between being a badass and a lover that the Mojo Priest, Steven Segal, has surely had to struggle with since his first dashing days in the crib (does anyone else picture his crib replete with rocket launchers and ninja stars?), ultimately the message on Mojo Priest is that love with a hot woman who puts out - provided you're not a weak pussy excuse for a man - is what all of us needs most:

"She got nice skin
And she got nice hair
She look so good she lovely everywhere
Aint she pretty
She’ll make a clock stop on the wall
She’ll make a strong man jump and shout
Make a weak man trip and fall"
(Steven Segal, "She Dat Pretty")