U Suck LA

Another year of blowing it.

Seattle Seafood Watch '07

When I arrived Wednesday, my brother told me it marked the first day of sunshine in over a month - I'm hoping it keeps up because yesterday was sunny, in the 60s, and just beautiful. He lives north of downtown in Magnolia with a view of Puget Sound in the distance from the windows. There are flowers blooming all over the city and the flowering trees (especially on the UW campus) are complex and beautiful.

I'm currently devising a seafoodometer that will accurately reflect the amount of fresh seafood I consume while I'm here. I made great progress yesterday when I had a spicy tuna roll at Pike's Market (and took a picture of the view) and then happened upon the beginning of an oyster happy hour (shucked oysters, 50 cents each!) at a restaurant on the waterfront. Half a dozen later, I realized I may have to return there every weekday at three while I'm here.

Late Breaking News: Tony Parker is a Serious Douche

Wow. This video has every component that makes a horrible rap video:

1. Includes talking about yourself in the third person: "Tony P." rapping about what a badass NBA basketball star he is (I think - it's in French, okay?) - can't you hire someone else to talk about how cool you are?
   
2. Uses little kid to rap with you: Tony P. raps and dances with a little kid in a blacklight room, featuring 80s-style neon streaks of light and glowsticks
   
3. Features skanky women dancers: cheerleaders, who also live in Tony P's blacklight kingdom
4. Features your current girlfriend: Tony P. hooks up with Eva Longoria who plays "Tony P's pole-dancer #2"
5. Features "whisper rapping": this is not sexy, okay? It's just not.
   

youtube music procrastinatastic

So last October I went to two of the most magical concerts ever - I got to see Beirut and Broken Social Scene within a couple of weeks of each other and I still think about both nights to this day. The Beirut clip contains their cover of "Brazil," which was already an awesome song but their orchestration is really fun and Zach Condon's voice is perfection. The BSS clip is their video for "Fire Eye'd Boy," which is pretty funny and features a cameo from one of the dudes from Rush!

Bruin Fandom

So UCLA won last night over Kansas in a really exciting game to watch - Kansas was so strong during the first half but something just happened to the Jayhawks during the second half. Their fast game turned sloppy and then Arron Afflalo ignited.

Rooting for UCLA around here isn't that easy though - as most of my friends following the tournament don't want them to win. It is kind of weird being a UCLA and a Lakers fan living in the Midwest. Okay, it's weird being a Lakers fan period. Both teams have a lot of funding and long histories of success that include eras where they just kept winning, so it's not like I'm rooting for the underdogs. In fact, with the case of the Lakers, I'm rooting for a team filled with inflated egos (P.J. and Kobe being the worst and the only two left over from the years when it was so much fun to watch the Lakers play) that little resembles the days when I would get so excited to see Robert Horry, D. Fish, Rick Fox, Shaq, and Kobe work together (but not Devean George!). I guess what I'm wondering though, is what makes UCLA so hated? Is it because they will often be overrated in the media, just like Duke or UNC? I just don't get it. The bruin mascot is so cuddly.

- Basketball Martha

No More Real Animals Bryan

I'm gearing up for another NCAA weekend, including a big game tonight (UCLA against Pitt) and quite possibly one of the most hated matchups I could ever possibly imagine (USC/North Carolina). While it is easy for me to get caught up with my poorly performing bracket (dude, Oral Roberts, wtf happened?!? And Winthrop? You couldn't keep going?), I want to take a moment to say something to Wisconsin man, Bryan James Hathaway.

Dude: please stop boning down with dead animals.

First you kill a horse so you could throw it in and then you see a deer in a ditch and think... "damn, I want to hit that." No. No. No. Can't you just buy a bedroom slipper and pretend like it's a real animal?

The Supreme Court Talked About Bong Hits Today

Somewhere I hope tape surfaces of Scalia actually saying "bong hit"... Today the Supreme Court heard arguments for the 2002 case, Morse v. Frederick, where a student (Joseph Frederick) was suspended for displaying a "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" banner during the running of the Olympic Torch in Juneau. Although not on school property at the time, the school claimed Frederick displayed the banner during a school-sanctioned event. Interestingly, dark underlord Kenneth Starr filed the appeal for the Juneau school board (and is working pro bono) in the interest of staying in the spotlight, err I mean upholding anti-drug school policies.

The Most Amazing Thing I Have Ever Seen

As one respondent on youtube astutely writes: "This clip has it all: the knife lick, the broken arm hand-spring, "keep an eye out". Clearly, this sequence is the pinnacle of all human endeavor. I was going to kill myself until I saw this. Now I feel as though I have been given a renewed lease on life. If I ever have a son, I will name him Stingray."

The Bruins will Pwnzor! My bracket methodology.

So last year a lot of my friends thought I was crazy when I predicted the Bruins would go all the way to the final game. But they did and I attribute it to the methodology I employ while creating an NCAA bracket. When crafting my bracket, I make sure that I don't let the team's playing record, past tournament experience, coach's history, or considerations of individual player's basketball skill influence the choices I make. Frankly, I just have not been persuaded that any of those factors directly relate to winning a game, let alone an NCAA tournament. Instead, I base all of my basketball predictions on an index I calculate using the following variables:

1) Team is from Los Angeles or the Tidewater region of Virginia
2) Number of players on the team who formerly played for a Los Angeles or Tidewater team (for NCAA play, this may include attendance at a Los Angeles or Tidewater area high school)
3) Number of players on the team I think are cute (offset by number of players on a team that are fugly or have a stupid and/or gimmicky appearance [including hairstyle, donning of various "sleeves," tattoos, etc.])
4) Results of one spin on the WWUD? (What would a unicorn do?) behavior prediction device. In this process, I chant the team's name during the spin. So, for example, this year while chanting "UCLA Bruins," the WWUD? predictor showed that, if the Bruins were in fact unicorns, they would "Impale Evil Things." This suggests in the Final Four rematch between UCLA and Florida, Bruin Arron Afflalo (from a Compton-area high school I might add) will slam Joakim Noah and his prep school background into the court (Noah loses big in the gimmicky appearance department). Meanwhile, while chanting "Duke Devils," the WWUD? predictor showed that, if the Devils were in fact unicorns, they would "pose on a windy cliff." In other words - they're showboat pussies that have gotten by on the reputation of their airbag coach and school's history for far too long. So sorry North Carolina, while you prance through waterfalls, Ohio State is going to majestically gallop over your ass. For my full bracket, check out "Webber 1" at espn.com - I'm in the UCLA ~ All the Way! - 13 Group. More brackets to follow, depending on the full recovery of my WWUD? predictor uni-arrow (the rainbow horn got a little smeary when I was eating my Peanut Butter Bumpers cereal too close to it).

Gaius Baltar, Blue-Balled Genius

So I'm almost done with the first season of Battlestar Galactica and it keeps getting better and better thanks to my favorite character, Gaius Baltar. He is one of the best fictive examples of an unreliable narrator because he's just so funny. Dude walks around like a bumbling idiot, dryhumping the air around him and people just keep giving him more responsibilities. Remind you of anyone? I could say a lot more about the genius that is the character, Gaius Baltar, but I don't want to reveal any spoilers. All I'm saying is - imagine yourself in his overstrained trousers for one minute and try to understand. If you think your work is tough, try staying focused enough to "help" prevent the extinction of the human race while a whorelon (thanks to M for coining the genius term) gives you a j bonedawg every minute you're awake.

Scooter's Ass in Jeopardy

The verdict came in today - Scooter Libby was convicted of four counts of obstruction, perjury, and lying to the FBI over the whole 2003 Valerie Plame leak. It is likely he probably won't spend any real time in jail (who knows, Bush may even pardon him). Someone added a hilarious addition to wikipedia today (see image; later taken down) guaranteeing the protection of his ass for "20,000,000 million dollars and three cigarettes" (can cigarettes even be wired to a bank account?). I suspect ol' Scooter may be able to hold his own in prison though... considering he authored the novel, The Apprentice, that includes a scene where a caged young girl is forced to have sex with a bear so she can learn how to become a prostitute.

You are so Wonderful... it's nice to see you again