No More Real Animals Bryan

I'm gearing up for another NCAA weekend, including a big game tonight (UCLA against Pitt) and quite possibly one of the most hated matchups I could ever possibly imagine (USC/North Carolina). While it is easy for me to get caught up with my poorly performing bracket (dude, Oral Roberts, wtf happened?!? And Winthrop? You couldn't keep going?), I want to take a moment to say something to Wisconsin man, Bryan James Hathaway.

Dude: please stop boning down with dead animals.

First you kill a horse so you could throw it in and then you see a deer in a ditch and think... "damn, I want to hit that." No. No. No. Can't you just buy a bedroom slipper and pretend like it's a real animal?

The Supreme Court Talked About Bong Hits Today

Somewhere I hope tape surfaces of Scalia actually saying "bong hit"... Today the Supreme Court heard arguments for the 2002 case, Morse v. Frederick, where a student (Joseph Frederick) was suspended for displaying a "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" banner during the running of the Olympic Torch in Juneau. Although not on school property at the time, the school claimed Frederick displayed the banner during a school-sanctioned event. Interestingly, dark underlord Kenneth Starr filed the appeal for the Juneau school board (and is working pro bono) in the interest of staying in the spotlight, err I mean upholding anti-drug school policies.

The Most Amazing Thing I Have Ever Seen

As one respondent on youtube astutely writes: "This clip has it all: the knife lick, the broken arm hand-spring, "keep an eye out". Clearly, this sequence is the pinnacle of all human endeavor. I was going to kill myself until I saw this. Now I feel as though I have been given a renewed lease on life. If I ever have a son, I will name him Stingray."

The Bruins will Pwnzor! My bracket methodology.

So last year a lot of my friends thought I was crazy when I predicted the Bruins would go all the way to the final game. But they did and I attribute it to the methodology I employ while creating an NCAA bracket. When crafting my bracket, I make sure that I don't let the team's playing record, past tournament experience, coach's history, or considerations of individual player's basketball skill influence the choices I make. Frankly, I just have not been persuaded that any of those factors directly relate to winning a game, let alone an NCAA tournament. Instead, I base all of my basketball predictions on an index I calculate using the following variables:

1) Team is from Los Angeles or the Tidewater region of Virginia
2) Number of players on the team who formerly played for a Los Angeles or Tidewater team (for NCAA play, this may include attendance at a Los Angeles or Tidewater area high school)
3) Number of players on the team I think are cute (offset by number of players on a team that are fugly or have a stupid and/or gimmicky appearance [including hairstyle, donning of various "sleeves," tattoos, etc.])
4) Results of one spin on the WWUD? (What would a unicorn do?) behavior prediction device. In this process, I chant the team's name during the spin. So, for example, this year while chanting "UCLA Bruins," the WWUD? predictor showed that, if the Bruins were in fact unicorns, they would "Impale Evil Things." This suggests in the Final Four rematch between UCLA and Florida, Bruin Arron Afflalo (from a Compton-area high school I might add) will slam Joakim Noah and his prep school background into the court (Noah loses big in the gimmicky appearance department). Meanwhile, while chanting "Duke Devils," the WWUD? predictor showed that, if the Devils were in fact unicorns, they would "pose on a windy cliff." In other words - they're showboat pussies that have gotten by on the reputation of their airbag coach and school's history for far too long. So sorry North Carolina, while you prance through waterfalls, Ohio State is going to majestically gallop over your ass. For my full bracket, check out "Webber 1" at espn.com - I'm in the UCLA ~ All the Way! - 13 Group. More brackets to follow, depending on the full recovery of my WWUD? predictor uni-arrow (the rainbow horn got a little smeary when I was eating my Peanut Butter Bumpers cereal too close to it).

Gaius Baltar, Blue-Balled Genius

So I'm almost done with the first season of Battlestar Galactica and it keeps getting better and better thanks to my favorite character, Gaius Baltar. He is one of the best fictive examples of an unreliable narrator because he's just so funny. Dude walks around like a bumbling idiot, dryhumping the air around him and people just keep giving him more responsibilities. Remind you of anyone? I could say a lot more about the genius that is the character, Gaius Baltar, but I don't want to reveal any spoilers. All I'm saying is - imagine yourself in his overstrained trousers for one minute and try to understand. If you think your work is tough, try staying focused enough to "help" prevent the extinction of the human race while a whorelon (thanks to M for coining the genius term) gives you a j bonedawg every minute you're awake.

Scooter's Ass in Jeopardy

The verdict came in today - Scooter Libby was convicted of four counts of obstruction, perjury, and lying to the FBI over the whole 2003 Valerie Plame leak. It is likely he probably won't spend any real time in jail (who knows, Bush may even pardon him). Someone added a hilarious addition to wikipedia today (see image; later taken down) guaranteeing the protection of his ass for "20,000,000 million dollars and three cigarettes" (can cigarettes even be wired to a bank account?). I suspect ol' Scooter may be able to hold his own in prison though... considering he authored the novel, The Apprentice, that includes a scene where a caged young girl is forced to have sex with a bear so she can learn how to become a prostitute.

You are so Wonderful... it's nice to see you again

Pizza Vending Machine... Beat That Cylons!

I've been watching a lot of Battlestar Galactica lately and a big issue on the show - now that the cylons have the capability of possessing materially human bodies (with the only apparent difference being they possess spinal cords that pulsate red when they "bone down") - is what really separates humans from cylons. Although cylons have incredibly poor taste in clothing (the males dress like used car salesmen and the women like futuristic slatterns) even some humans exhibit the same poor taste in attire.

What separates us from the cylons, my friends, is that our species possesses the genius to produce the pizza vending machine. This Wonder Pizza vending machine was produced in Torino Italy which means that it must be, like, totally authentic. Ninety seconds and five dollars later you can get your hands on a piping hot pizza - with your choice of crust crispness and three different toppings. Now if we could only create a hotdog vending machine that pops out a Nathan's kosher all-beef on a toasted bun with mustard, relish, and gently warmed sauerkraut, then we would be masters of the universe.

Awwww........

My friend, the Ecologist

I just received word last night from one of my oldest friends (old as in, we've been friends for 12 years, not as in she's ancient, although she will ALWAYS be 9 months older than me!) that not only was she accepted into UCLA's Geography Phd program, but that she received an awesome four-year fellowship to conduct research with the Jordana Basin Long Term Ecological Research program. She will get to spend a portion of the next four years in the northern Chihuahuan Desert where the program examines "desertification dynamics" - or how deserts actively happen and exist. The group looks at how space, time, history, "transport vectors" and "environmental drivers" interact with structures of vegetation to determine "ecosystem dynamics." I'm so happy for her and definitely a little jealous (having read a sufficient amount of Mike Davis and had one too many daydreams about different educational directions I could have followed) - I suppose I'll have to be satisfied with getting to visit her in the New Mexico desert, where we will eat a bunch of peyote buttons and go on a transcendent spirit quest like the ones all of my favorite characters from Lost get to go on all the time.