NBA All Haters Game 2007

Hi, you may not recognize me because I haven't done anything worthwhile in the ten seasons I have been playing professional basketball for the NBA. My name is Scot Pollard and I'm this year's Center for the NBA Player Haters Game. The only thing I actually get press coverage for is my changing hair (see the wikipedia bio on me for the special section on my "hairstyles") because for some reason, being a little bitch ( I learned it from Chris Webber when we played together!) by feigning back spasms in the middle of games and averaging 0.9 PPG this year with the Cavs doesn't seem to nab the headlines. My awesome 'dos sure do! Get it: 'dos do. Kind of like doo doo. You know, as in my playing style is doo doo. I was Vlade Divac's backup center and comfort boy when I played for the Sacto Kings a few years back. That was an honor man - because I can think of only maybe twenty-nine better starting centers that I could have backed up than Divac. As center for the team this year, I get to introduce the rest of the team.

Don't let his sweet, sweet Valentine's Day wishes fool you: this year's power forward, Zach Randolph has done so much to deserve to be hated. Sure, he has been averaging 24 PPG this year with Portland, but that's mostly because he doesn't know how to pass the ball. Passing other things (like joints and obscene gestures), on the other hand, he is much more adept at. Most people hate Randolph for garnering a 5 year, $73.3 million dollar contract with the Blazers since he is such a one-dimensional player. But at least he's a charmer off the court right? Oh yeah, just ask the witnesses alleging that Randolph tried to intimidate them when they were going to testify against Blazer Qyntel Woods for fighting pitbulls. Nice.


Hey look everyone, here comes Wally tumbling down the court like the dickweed that he is! That's right, this year's small forward is none other than Wally Szcerbiak. You can begin to understand the inflated ego and hubris that is Wally if you check out his ridiculous website. Upon reading it your first thought might be: wow, this guy has a great sense of humor! And then you realize: oh wait, he's serious and living quite possibly one of the most humorless and hateful existences you have ever encountered. My favorite page is the quotes page where Wally insists repeatedly that he derives great pleasure from eating egg whites, working out, looking fit, and having a wife who also works out and looks fit. But it's truly in the "quotes about Wally" section where this all-hater shines. One of Wally's managers observed after Wally invited scouts and coaches to a private workout: "He put on a flawless display. His workout would have just about killed any of the other top draft prospects, and the people watching him knew it. When he tossed aside his shirt, I literally heard gasps." Wow. If anyone is going to win the "Most Likely to Be Patrick Bateman" award this year, my bets are on Wally.

Oh look at that Gilbert Arenas - he's so crazy! No really, I mean it: HE'S CRAZY. He is actually serving double duty this year, as he got voted into the All Star East Team this year with 1,454,166 actual votes (unlike the 2004 All Star game when he tried to vote himself into it, trading a pair of shoes and a jersey for a box of ballots). His wikipedia bio gives you the scoop on all of the hilarious hijinx he likes to play both on and off the court when he's not too busy hogging the ball - they call it "Gilbertology" (otherwise known as the study of a pro basketball player who is batshit crazy). My favorite anecdotes are from his early days with the Warriors when he took a shower at halftime in full uniform or when he put baby powder on donuts he delivered to the team. Oh that Gilbert! His favorite things to do while on the road is to eat 12 cheeseburgers in one day or hole himself up in his hotel room and order items off the internet, including a colon cleanser (hey G - you think the two might be related?). You can't make this shit up!

Rounding out the Haters squad as point guard is Jason Kidd, raising a fist (once again) in this inspiring photo montage. Apparently his hand naturally rests in that position and often on other people - just ask his wife Joumana. Oh that couple! This January Jason filed for divorce citing "extreme cruelty" during the relationship. In her countersuit, Joumana filed for the same reasons and recounted countless moments of abuse, including the time Jason threw a cookie into her face, "frisbee-style." Watch out for that ultimate chocolate chip! (groan) You better update your muy suave website Jason - because as of today, it still claims you're a "doting husband" to your wife Joumana. Although he may be a technically solid player, Kidd brings his nasty energy on and off the court. H-A-T-E-D...

And now is the time to announce the only man capable of coaching such a squad of egotastic, sociopaths... none other than:
Cuts Thomas. Only a hater of his magnitude can coach such a hated squad. He has been hating as far back as 1985 when he got jealous of relative newcomer, Michael Jordan, for stealing attention from him at the All Stars game. Knowing his penchant for poor trades with the Knicks (cough cough Jerome James, Stephen Marbury, et al), he probably would pay top dollar for someone who plays as poorly as I do. Given this year to turn around the Knicks after Larry Brown was fired, what does Cuts do? Allegedly instigate the Knicks-Nugs brawl by ordering Mardy Collins to commit a hard foul when it was clear the Knicks were going to lose (can't you just picture him as the evil Sensei in the Karate Kid: "Sweep the Leg Mardy"). For more insightful analysis on Cuts, check out C's blog. Hehehehe, we even picked the same photo of Cuts in his trademark douchneck sweater!

Well it's time for me to get my hair done for the game!

- Scot

* Post not actually written by Scot Pollard.