Pizza Vending Machine... Beat That Cylons!

I've been watching a lot of Battlestar Galactica lately and a big issue on the show - now that the cylons have the capability of possessing materially human bodies (with the only apparent difference being they possess spinal cords that pulsate red when they "bone down") - is what really separates humans from cylons. Although cylons have incredibly poor taste in clothing (the males dress like used car salesmen and the women like futuristic slatterns) even some humans exhibit the same poor taste in attire.

What separates us from the cylons, my friends, is that our species possesses the genius to produce the pizza vending machine. This Wonder Pizza vending machine was produced in Torino Italy which means that it must be, like, totally authentic. Ninety seconds and five dollars later you can get your hands on a piping hot pizza - with your choice of crust crispness and three different toppings. Now if we could only create a hotdog vending machine that pops out a Nathan's kosher all-beef on a toasted bun with mustard, relish, and gently warmed sauerkraut, then we would be masters of the universe.

Awwww........

My friend, the Ecologist

I just received word last night from one of my oldest friends (old as in, we've been friends for 12 years, not as in she's ancient, although she will ALWAYS be 9 months older than me!) that not only was she accepted into UCLA's Geography Phd program, but that she received an awesome four-year fellowship to conduct research with the Jordana Basin Long Term Ecological Research program. She will get to spend a portion of the next four years in the northern Chihuahuan Desert where the program examines "desertification dynamics" - or how deserts actively happen and exist. The group looks at how space, time, history, "transport vectors" and "environmental drivers" interact with structures of vegetation to determine "ecosystem dynamics." I'm so happy for her and definitely a little jealous (having read a sufficient amount of Mike Davis and had one too many daydreams about different educational directions I could have followed) - I suppose I'll have to be satisfied with getting to visit her in the New Mexico desert, where we will eat a bunch of peyote buttons and go on a transcendent spirit quest like the ones all of my favorite characters from Lost get to go on all the time.

NBA All Haters Game 2007

Hi, you may not recognize me because I haven't done anything worthwhile in the ten seasons I have been playing professional basketball for the NBA. My name is Scot Pollard and I'm this year's Center for the NBA Player Haters Game. The only thing I actually get press coverage for is my changing hair (see the wikipedia bio on me for the special section on my "hairstyles") because for some reason, being a little bitch ( I learned it from Chris Webber when we played together!) by feigning back spasms in the middle of games and averaging 0.9 PPG this year with the Cavs doesn't seem to nab the headlines. My awesome 'dos sure do! Get it: 'dos do. Kind of like doo doo. You know, as in my playing style is doo doo. I was Vlade Divac's backup center and comfort boy when I played for the Sacto Kings a few years back. That was an honor man - because I can think of only maybe twenty-nine better starting centers that I could have backed up than Divac. As center for the team this year, I get to introduce the rest of the team.

Don't let his sweet, sweet Valentine's Day wishes fool you: this year's power forward, Zach Randolph has done so much to deserve to be hated. Sure, he has been averaging 24 PPG this year with Portland, but that's mostly because he doesn't know how to pass the ball. Passing other things (like joints and obscene gestures), on the other hand, he is much more adept at. Most people hate Randolph for garnering a 5 year, $73.3 million dollar contract with the Blazers since he is such a one-dimensional player. But at least he's a charmer off the court right? Oh yeah, just ask the witnesses alleging that Randolph tried to intimidate them when they were going to testify against Blazer Qyntel Woods for fighting pitbulls. Nice.


Hey look everyone, here comes Wally tumbling down the court like the dickweed that he is! That's right, this year's small forward is none other than Wally Szcerbiak. You can begin to understand the inflated ego and hubris that is Wally if you check out his ridiculous website. Upon reading it your first thought might be: wow, this guy has a great sense of humor! And then you realize: oh wait, he's serious and living quite possibly one of the most humorless and hateful existences you have ever encountered. My favorite page is the quotes page where Wally insists repeatedly that he derives great pleasure from eating egg whites, working out, looking fit, and having a wife who also works out and looks fit. But it's truly in the "quotes about Wally" section where this all-hater shines. One of Wally's managers observed after Wally invited scouts and coaches to a private workout: "He put on a flawless display. His workout would have just about killed any of the other top draft prospects, and the people watching him knew it. When he tossed aside his shirt, I literally heard gasps." Wow. If anyone is going to win the "Most Likely to Be Patrick Bateman" award this year, my bets are on Wally.

Oh look at that Gilbert Arenas - he's so crazy! No really, I mean it: HE'S CRAZY. He is actually serving double duty this year, as he got voted into the All Star East Team this year with 1,454,166 actual votes (unlike the 2004 All Star game when he tried to vote himself into it, trading a pair of shoes and a jersey for a box of ballots). His wikipedia bio gives you the scoop on all of the hilarious hijinx he likes to play both on and off the court when he's not too busy hogging the ball - they call it "Gilbertology" (otherwise known as the study of a pro basketball player who is batshit crazy). My favorite anecdotes are from his early days with the Warriors when he took a shower at halftime in full uniform or when he put baby powder on donuts he delivered to the team. Oh that Gilbert! His favorite things to do while on the road is to eat 12 cheeseburgers in one day or hole himself up in his hotel room and order items off the internet, including a colon cleanser (hey G - you think the two might be related?). You can't make this shit up!

Rounding out the Haters squad as point guard is Jason Kidd, raising a fist (once again) in this inspiring photo montage. Apparently his hand naturally rests in that position and often on other people - just ask his wife Joumana. Oh that couple! This January Jason filed for divorce citing "extreme cruelty" during the relationship. In her countersuit, Joumana filed for the same reasons and recounted countless moments of abuse, including the time Jason threw a cookie into her face, "frisbee-style." Watch out for that ultimate chocolate chip! (groan) You better update your muy suave website Jason - because as of today, it still claims you're a "doting husband" to your wife Joumana. Although he may be a technically solid player, Kidd brings his nasty energy on and off the court. H-A-T-E-D...

And now is the time to announce the only man capable of coaching such a squad of egotastic, sociopaths... none other than:
Cuts Thomas. Only a hater of his magnitude can coach such a hated squad. He has been hating as far back as 1985 when he got jealous of relative newcomer, Michael Jordan, for stealing attention from him at the All Stars game. Knowing his penchant for poor trades with the Knicks (cough cough Jerome James, Stephen Marbury, et al), he probably would pay top dollar for someone who plays as poorly as I do. Given this year to turn around the Knicks after Larry Brown was fired, what does Cuts do? Allegedly instigate the Knicks-Nugs brawl by ordering Mardy Collins to commit a hard foul when it was clear the Knicks were going to lose (can't you just picture him as the evil Sensei in the Karate Kid: "Sweep the Leg Mardy"). For more insightful analysis on Cuts, check out C's blog. Hehehehe, we even picked the same photo of Cuts in his trademark douchneck sweater!

Well it's time for me to get my hair done for the game!

- Scot

* Post not actually written by Scot Pollard.

Vote Here for the NBA All Haters Game

Although late last night I shrieked into a four-degree Chicago night, "Congress Theatre, by the power of Graceskull,I will get thee! I will expose thee in the mighty blogosphere," I am still too angry at that shithole to write about it. Instead, I want to acknowledge that I have been grossly negligent in my NBA Player Hater coverage. The main reason? I no longer have cable tv and so far, a basketball league has not formed in Animal Crossing: Wild World (the alternate reality in which my heart truly belongs) for me to cover.

Inspired the other night by one of the funniest and adept-at-cleverly-hating people I know (besides myself of course), I have decided to make up for my negligence by presenting to all of you in my mighty blogosphere, an All-Haters lineup. Between now and Saturday, February 17 (the date of the actual NBA All Stars Game), I'm taking nominations for players to belong on the most-hated NBA lineup of 2007. On that day I will reveal to you the most reviled combination of point guard, shooting guard, small forward, power forward, and center that I can come up with, complete with fugly pictures and criticism completely unrelated to actual basketball playing skills. Let the nominations begin...
I have a fugly assistant waiting patiently by his computer to compile your nominations. You can also find him on AIM under the name "hedosloth69."

Where Do Groundhogs Come From?

I was invited to a Groundhog's Day Party this weekend where attendees were required to make some sort of "groundhog art" that honors the plucky little creature that mis-predicts the weather for us each February 2nd. I teamed up with two of my friends from my program to create the following educational video, "Where Do Groundhogs Come From?"

It's the End of an Era: Lavar Burton Leaves Reading Rainbow

So, one of my favorite Halloween memories - and quite arguably one of the most magical moments of my life - is from my senior year in high school. My friend Lorna and I decided to go trick-or-treating despite our advanced age. We chose a relatively upscale neighborhood in the San Fernando Valley, reasoning the quality of the treats would reflect the socioeconomic status of the neighborhood's inhabitants. We also decided to wear the dumbest costumes ever: I wore an orange, red, and yellow top I knit myself that made me look kind of like a slutty lifesaver and Lorna wore an afro wig. What can I say? We were pretty stupid (I blame it on peer pressure). After an hour or so of nasty comments about how we were too old to be trick-or-treating we rang the bell to a house and Lavar Burton wearing a pirate costume answered the door - I couldn't believe it. After he "yarred" at us in his best pirate accent, I shrieked, "oh my god! I love Reading Rainbow" and then began to sing the Reading Rainbow theme song (you know: "butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high, take a look, it's in a book"... etc.). And you know what? He started singing with me.

That, my friends, is class.

After producing and hosting the show for twenty years, Burton has announced he is leaving Reading Rainbow because a lame eductional services company (the same people who own Sylvan Learning Center and Hooked on Phonics) bought production rights for the show. Read more here about how awesome Burton is for not selling out and how reading has inspired him throughout his life.

Southern Indiana Odyssey

Just returned from an overnight in Southern Indiana with Terra to meet her two-week-old niece, Priscilla. Babies that young are pretty cool: they pretty much just sleep and occasionally make really funny noises (she wet-bunted on Terra and me at least five times while we were there! I know it sounds gross but it is pretty hilarious to have a seven-pound glowworm bunt on you while you're holding it). Granted, she doesn't do as much as my Nintendog (even when I tried to prompt her with my stylus), but she was really warm and sweet.
The trip was also pretty cool because I bought a game for my DS that finally convinced Terra they are actually fun to play with (thank you Bust-A-Move and your bubble-puzzle fun for convincing one of the last holdouts! on a related note, I've definitely developed "DS elbow") Not cool about Southern Indiana? The shit-disturbers in the neighborhood even go out in incredibly cold temperatures: my car got egged! WTF?

I've sunk to a new low...

So my large blog readership (hi Dad) has probably been wondering why I haven't been posting a lot lately. I'd like to say it's because, now that I'm home from vacation, I've really thrown myself into my studies. Nope. Today, the class I'm auditing got cancelled at the last minute (eeps - no matter that I woke up early to do the 160 pages of reading for it) so I finally got to return to the magical kingdom that is Animal Crossing: Wild World. What can I say? Many of my friends are starting to worry about my obsession with it - threatening violence if I mention once more what Lobo the wolf said to me about the way I smell or my thoughts on why more men should wear onesies.

Today I sunk to a pretty new low though - I actually started looking up cheats for the game. What can I say? I'm having a hard time catching bugs (it's winter and I refuse to use the time travel cheat) and I was looking for advice. Lucky the mummy dog wanted to have a bug competition with me, and I felt inadequate. The cheats-site made me realize there are two kinds of cheats: the cheats for people who really love the game and the cheats for people who just want to make fast money. I refuse to be interested in the latter... at least for now (hey, I'm anxious for my Nookway to turn into a Nookingtons, but I'm going to try to be patient).

The cheats for people who love the game totally crack me up - I can totally change my town tune to "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day if I wanted to (narf! Instead, I changed it to "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple, thanks to Pug Gurl). Some of these so-called cheats just crack me up. Like dogstar 13, who clearly possesses a fetish for bureaucracy:

See The Mayor on a normal day!
Want to see Tortimer the Mayor on a day when he isn't walking outside? Then go to the Town Hall, and talk to Pelly at the green window. When the camera zooms down to a close up, you'll be able to see a familiar figure working in the background!

What a weirdo! I mean, Tortimer the Mayor isn't even cute!

Insomnia...

Since I've been back home I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping (and no, not because I've been too busy playing on my DS to schedule sleep time). It seems that every other or every third night I am either entirely capable of falling asleep for more than an hour or so at a time or else my sleep quality is so poor I don't seem to be getting all the stage 4 or "delta sleep" that I need. Needless to say, lack of sleep makes me feel like a walking idiot zombie. If you're having trouble sleeping, you may consider frightening yourself by reading wikipedia's entry on insomnia - it could convince you that you're suffering from hypomania or at least that you practice poor sleep hygiene (yes, there is such a thing).