John Walsh, America's Most Wanted Douche

So I actually took a day out of my vacation a few weeks back to read John Walsh’s tome, Tears of Rage: From Grieving Father to Crusader for Justice. Sure I went into reading the book thinking, JOHN WALSH IS A DOUCHE, but upon finishing the book I realized I had really underestimated him. John Walsh is actually a douche of epic proportion, quite possibly the MOST GIGANTIC DOUCHE IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE, at least living today.

Perhaps the most disturbing anecdote in the book is how he describes his future wife:
“People liked her. Or as one of my friends put it, she was John Walsh with longer hair” (17).

Did your mouth just fill with the bitter, rank taste of bile? Did any even remotely sexual thoughts void from your consciousness only to be replaced with feelings of shame, disgust, and despair? Yeah, I thought so. But, the book is so much more than John's special brand of solipsistic sexuality. Readers - who can actually stomach reading the book through to the end - gain a sense of the many facets of John Walsh, America's Most Wanted Douche. The best part of the book is truly John Walsh on his favorite subject… John Walsh:

John Walsh, the Churchgoer:
“my younger brother Jimmy and I – were ordinarily in the back row with the old women and nuns, wearing the black eyes and split lips we’d picked up in fistfights the Saturday night before” (1)

John Walsh, the Dancer:
“Tom and I were the only white guys on campus who could dance. In retrospect, I think that was a big part of our allure” (17)

John Walsh, the Businessman:
“My career was on a fast track, and I knew I was going places. Everyone was saying it: John Walsh was a success story waiting to happen” (22)

John Walsh, the Procreator:
“I had created a new member of the species and I would now have a legacy. My genes would be carried on along with the Walsh name” (29)

John Walsh, the Romantic:
“on the nightstand by her bed were a dozen red carnations. And in the center of all those red flowers was a single one, white. That was what I sent her” (29)

Whoa there big spender! Carnations?! WTF? And he's bragging about giving them to his wife after giving birth. That's practically like saying: "on the nightstand by her bed was a picture of me performing a Dirty Sanchez with one of my fellow douchebag friends. And in the center of that picture was a little poop smear, brown. That was what I sent her."

Finally, my favorite facet of John Walsh - when he thinks he's a badass:

John Walsh, the Badass:
- “We would never be anything less than all right because we were so unrelentingly ice-cold-blooded” (24).

- “The guy had told me to mind my own goddamn business. As if that were something I was really going to do” (25).

- “And when he came up to me and tried to shake my hand, I refused. Fuck him. He voted no on the Missing Children Act” (151)

- “Finally, one of them looked at me and said, ‘You know, you’re a real wiseass.’
I said, ‘And you know what you are? You’re mercenary bastards. Worse than that, you’re chickenshits.” (156).

Oh dear sweet, John Walsh- my eyes weep vinegar and water for you and I dread the day when your magesterial reign as America's Most Wanted Douche comes to an end.